Giant Pumpkin Danger

California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard will do his best to protect his fellow Californians this Halloween.


The danger is not Charlie Brown real, but really real. Halloween is supposed to be a night when children seeking candy are the ones coming to your door, not evil giant pumpkins. But Homeland Security of Greater Los Angeles is warning that the threat level will be on red alert this Halloween.

“Most residents should expect a knock on their door that will be unfamiliar, five hard strikes followed by a soft knock,” warned California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard, “and if you dare to ask ‘Who is it?’ the reply in an itty bitty pumpkin voice will be, ‘Land pumpkin, special delivery for …’ and believe me, that evil giant pumpkin will know your name.”

Why land pumpkin? Aren’t all pumpkins terrestrial? “Scientists of pumpkinology have been attributing the odd greeting to a skit airing some years ago on NBC’s Saturday Night Live which featured ‘land sharks’ knocking on doors in a similar fashion,” Lockard asserted, “and we all know what those comic creations were capable of.”   

How large are these evil giant pumpkins? “It varies,” said Lockard, “some may weigh up to a metric ton theoretically, depending on the growing season in the garden, grove, or patch where they originated.” 

What if a person is bitten by a giant pumpkin, assuming that they have teeth? “Most cases of ‘pumpkin nip’ which have been occurring are painful, but seldom fatal,” asserted Lockard, “but the only antidote I’m aware of is to purchase a California Health Insurance policy at your earliest convenience.  It’s uncanny,   but even the most vicious giant pumpkins will not attack someone who has adequate coverage.”  What kind of coverage? “It doesn’t matter, any policies offered by your nearest and dearest California Health Insurance agent will work fine – it’s like that garlic thing with vampires.”

The phenomenon has received considerable coverage by scientists of pumpkinology in the literature, and the reasons why the ‘insurance purchase’ option works as a preemptive remedy is not entirely understood. One pumkinologist, bolder than the rest, has recommended that buying a policy for this reason specifically from Matt Lockard produces a kind of lifetime immunity to ‘pumpkin nip’ – at least in most instances.

Tags: , ,

Leave a Reply