Archive for the ‘Press Releases’ Category

In the Advent of Milagros’ Misfortune

Thursday, October 21st, 2010

Milagros Mendez took to certain precautionary measures to prevent misgivings, miscalculations and misinformation.  She was the administrative assistant at a state agency and she clocked in the hours as necessary to receive her weekly paycheck; took pride in what she did, and did what she was told.  She always was careful and took many precautions and was a thorough researcher, maintaining and updating her records, her health insurance, keeping up with her pension plan.

But one day, she came into work and her boss just point-blank berated her in front of her co-workers all because she was one-second late coming into the door and fired her on the spot.  Milagros was stunned, bewildered and scared and was at a total loss, so she called California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard for some advice.  For once in her life this was something that was unexpected, even as good at predicting things and taking precautionary measures as she has been known to do, she found herself in a bind: unemployed and uninsured all at once! 

The fall leaves were just turning its magnificent colors and the air was getting cooler as each day passed—ghouls, scarecrows, and pumpkin patches were cropping up everywhere; soon Christmas decorations. What in the world will she do now?  Does she want to go back to a nine-to-five clocking in the hours, overworked and under-appreciated, or does she want to finally pursue her dream of being a Cantonese translator, take that trip to China, a place she so long wanted to go? 

California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockhard reassured her at least she was covered in case of accidents and illnesses, so she set forth to forge her future, taking classes, freelancing here and there to pay her bills and what-not. 

Matt Lockhard contacted her after a year or so and found out that Milagros landed herself in rural California maintaining an apiary as well, with a fiancé and some land.  “We just came back from China,” Milagros told Matt.  “I will email you the pictures of us at the Great Wall of China!”

After California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockhard hung up the phone with Milagros, he smiled and thought to himself that dreams do come true after all.

Trick or Treating is Just for Kids

Friday, October 8th, 2010

Mrs. Angela Nordzayum loved to sample her children’s treats every All Hallow’s Eve. She said this needed to be done as a safety precaution, but all five of her children – and her California Health Insurance agent Mark Lockard – knew better.

Angela Nordzayum looked forward to Halloween more than her children. Having five of them meant a large haul of Halloween candy that needed to be checked and tested by an adult. Bill Nordzayum, her husband, was overseas with the Navy. This left only Angela to ensure that the candy was safe.

Since Halloween fell on a school night, after two hours of make-up and costume preparation, the Nordzayum kids piled into the bed of the family truck, allowing Angela to get them to as many houses as possible.

The trick-or-treating was a success. Knowing which neighborhoods give out the best candy is something you can only know after years of practice. Angela had a good feeling about this years’ haul.

Once they were home, Angela told the kids to place their candy on the dining room table. “Go clean up and put on your pajamas,” she told them. Having only two bathrooms meant Angela had plenty of time to go through the candy and pick out what she liked best. Under the guise of checking the candy for razorblades, poison, etc., she began sampling, which soon gave way to overindulging.

As the kids were finishing getting ready, they heard a loud thud. Billy Jr., the oldest, ran downstairs to see what was wrong. “Mom!” he screamed. She was sitting at the table face down in a large pile of candy wrappers. Without hesitation, the eleven-year-old grabbed the phone and called Matt Lockard, the family’s California Health Insurance agent, and described the situation.

“Mom ate too much of our candy Matt, what should we do?” Billy shrieked over the phone.

Matt was cool as a chocolate-covered cucumber. “Get an ambulance there as quick as you can,” he told the terrified boy.

The bloated Angela was comatose in the ambulance, but when she reached the hospital and was thoroughly examined, it was determined that she was in “sugar shock” as her glucose levels had briefly gone through the roof. Coverage in this instance became fortunate, as she required several days of hospitalization to bring her down from her sweet tooth high.  She didn’t develop Type 2 diabetes, but her pancreas was never again the same.

Giant Pumpkin Danger

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard will do his best to protect his fellow Californians this Halloween.

The danger is not Charlie Brown real, but really real. Halloween is supposed to be a night when children seeking candy are the ones coming to your door, not evil giant pumpkins. But Homeland Security of Greater Los Angeles is warning that the threat level will be on red alert this Halloween.

“Most residents should expect a knock on their door that will be unfamiliar, five hard strikes followed by a soft knock,” warned California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard, “and if you dare to ask ‘Who is it?’ the reply in an itty bitty pumpkin voice will be, ‘Land pumpkin, special delivery for …’ and believe me, that evil giant pumpkin will know your name.”

Why land pumpkin? Aren’t all pumpkins terrestrial? “Scientists of pumpkinology have been attributing the odd greeting to a skit airing some years ago on NBC’s Saturday Night Live which featured ‘land sharks’ knocking on doors in a similar fashion,” Lockard asserted, “and we all know what those comic creations were capable of.”   

How large are these evil giant pumpkins? “It varies,” said Lockard, “some may weigh up to a metric ton theoretically, depending on the growing season in the garden, grove, or patch where they originated.” 

What if a person is bitten by a giant pumpkin, assuming that they have teeth? “Most cases of ‘pumpkin nip’ which have been occurring are painful, but seldom fatal,” asserted Lockard, “but the only antidote I’m aware of is to purchase a California Health Insurance policy at your earliest convenience.  It’s uncanny,   but even the most vicious giant pumpkins will not attack someone who has adequate coverage.”  What kind of coverage? “It doesn’t matter, any policies offered by your nearest and dearest California Health Insurance agent will work fine – it’s like that garlic thing with vampires.”

The phenomenon has received considerable coverage by scientists of pumpkinology in the literature, and the reasons why the ‘insurance purchase’ option works as a preemptive remedy is not entirely understood. One pumkinologist, bolder than the rest, has recommended that buying a policy for this reason specifically from Matt Lockard produces a kind of lifetime immunity to ‘pumpkin nip’ – at least in most instances.