Trick or Treating is Just for Kids

Mrs. Angela Nordzayum loved to sample her children’s treats every All Hallow’s Eve. She said this needed to be done as a safety precaution, but all five of her children – and her California Health Insurance agent Mark Lockard – knew better.

Angela Nordzayum looked forward to Halloween more than her children. Having five of them meant a large haul of Halloween candy that needed to be checked and tested by an adult. Bill Nordzayum, her husband, was overseas with the Navy. This left only Angela to ensure that the candy was safe.

Since Halloween fell on a school night, after two hours of make-up and costume preparation, the Nordzayum kids piled into the bed of the family truck, allowing Angela to get them to as many houses as possible.

The trick-or-treating was a success. Knowing which neighborhoods give out the best candy is something you can only know after years of practice. Angela had a good feeling about this years’ haul.

Once they were home, Angela told the kids to place their candy on the dining room table. “Go clean up and put on your pajamas,” she told them. Having only two bathrooms meant Angela had plenty of time to go through the candy and pick out what she liked best. Under the guise of checking the candy for razorblades, poison, etc., she began sampling, which soon gave way to overindulging.

As the kids were finishing getting ready, they heard a loud thud. Billy Jr., the oldest, ran downstairs to see what was wrong. “Mom!” he screamed. She was sitting at the table face down in a large pile of candy wrappers. Without hesitation, the eleven-year-old grabbed the phone and called Matt Lockard, the family’s California Health Insurance agent, and described the situation.

“Mom ate too much of our candy Matt, what should we do?” Billy shrieked over the phone.

Matt was cool as a chocolate-covered cucumber. “Get an ambulance there as quick as you can,” he told the terrified boy.

The bloated Angela was comatose in the ambulance, but when she reached the hospital and was thoroughly examined, it was determined that she was in “sugar shock” as her glucose levels had briefly gone through the roof. Coverage in this instance became fortunate, as she required several days of hospitalization to bring her down from her sweet tooth high.  She didn’t develop Type 2 diabetes, but her pancreas was never again the same.

Columbus Day Weekend Mayhem

The first weekend of October led to a fest of sorts involving finger foods for Alvin Andante. When one of those snacks turned out to contain a real finger, it seemed more like Halloween. Suddenly Alvin’s California Health Insurance agent was sounding like a genius. 

On Saturday, October 2nd Alvin Andante took his teenage daughter Amy to a festival for Goths not far from her high school campus in Oxnard. A relevant flyer had touted the event as a “creepy day of fun that even Poe’s immortal raven would have loved” and stated, ominously as it turned out, that “anyone less than 18 would have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.” This combination of wording should have given Alvin pause. In fact, just a few weeks prior, he’d been buying a new family policy at the office of Jim, Alvin’s friendly yet savvy California Health Insurance agent, and Jim had warned Alvin that fourteen-year-old Amy was “a rather impulsive teenager” and as a parent of three boys, three girls, and numerous pets, he should know. Amy just looked at her Dad and this man who sold health insurance and laughed her famous wicked laugh. But that was weeks ago.

“Please Daddy Waddy,” she had pleaded that morning. With her blonde hair dyed an inky black and a  macabre piercing protruding from her lower lip that made her Daddy wince just to think about, how could he refuse?

At the booth where they sold finger foods, Alvin bought a breaded concoction which looked tasty.  When he bit down on something crunchy that snapped and cracked between his teeth, and almost immediately heard his daughter scream, followed by her famous wicked laugh, as she held up her bloody hand with what appeared to be a broken finger …

Was that terror he saw in his daughter’s peculiar eyes? Why was she laughing if he’d just broken her finger? Within minutes, her entire hand began to swell, and one of his questions got neatly answered – even if the jagged bone fragment spelled ‘mayhem’ with a lowercase M.

“We’re going to Urgent Care little girl,” he yelled above the din in his paternal mind. He also told Amy to stop that idiotic laughter as it was confusing him. Father and daughter took off toward their Lexus just as something avian and hideous, was that a raven?—swooped down from a Gothic sky.

Giant Pumpkin Danger

California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard will do his best to protect his fellow Californians this Halloween.

The danger is not Charlie Brown real, but really real. Halloween is supposed to be a night when children seeking candy are the ones coming to your door, not evil giant pumpkins. But Homeland Security of Greater Los Angeles is warning that the threat level will be on red alert this Halloween.

“Most residents should expect a knock on their door that will be unfamiliar, five hard strikes followed by a soft knock,” warned California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard, “and if you dare to ask ‘Who is it?’ the reply in an itty bitty pumpkin voice will be, ‘Land pumpkin, special delivery for …’ and believe me, that evil giant pumpkin will know your name.”

Why land pumpkin? Aren’t all pumpkins terrestrial? “Scientists of pumpkinology have been attributing the odd greeting to a skit airing some years ago on NBC’s Saturday Night Live which featured ‘land sharks’ knocking on doors in a similar fashion,” Lockard asserted, “and we all know what those comic creations were capable of.”   

How large are these evil giant pumpkins? “It varies,” said Lockard, “some may weigh up to a metric ton theoretically, depending on the growing season in the garden, grove, or patch where they originated.” 

What if a person is bitten by a giant pumpkin, assuming that they have teeth? “Most cases of ‘pumpkin nip’ which have been occurring are painful, but seldom fatal,” asserted Lockard, “but the only antidote I’m aware of is to purchase a California Health Insurance policy at your earliest convenience.  It’s uncanny,   but even the most vicious giant pumpkins will not attack someone who has adequate coverage.”  What kind of coverage? “It doesn’t matter, any policies offered by your nearest and dearest California Health Insurance agent will work fine – it’s like that garlic thing with vampires.”

The phenomenon has received considerable coverage by scientists of pumpkinology in the literature, and the reasons why the ‘insurance purchase’ option works as a preemptive remedy is not entirely understood. One pumkinologist, bolder than the rest, has recommended that buying a policy for this reason specifically from Matt Lockard produces a kind of lifetime immunity to ‘pumpkin nip’ – at least in most instances.