Jack, John, Jerry, and Jim weren’t the brightest bulbs in the room even when they were sober. But to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day, they crossed the line from merely asinine to outright stupidity. At 21, they were legal adults. They headed first to Paddy’s, a local pub. “Paddy’s has a lot of different beers – some of them are really green, and if they sell it in a green bottle, that counts too,” Jerry asserted. The decision had been to “go green” to celebrate the Irish saint’s feast day, even if none of the young men actually hailed from the Emerald Isle. On the way back to their dorm, Jack had the bright idea to search for “green food” amid the leftovers inhabiting their communal refrigerator. All moderately inebriated, the idea was soon seconded by the other three. “I’m sure we’ll find something that qualifies,” opined Jim, “I’m starved.”

The cooler contained a bounty of green foodstuffs, mostly inedible to sane & sober folk. But Jack, John, Jerry, and Jim were neither.  Jack found a plastic cup that had once contained fresh orange juice; orange was no longer visible as a layer of green mold had grown there. He dared John to drink it.

“Okay,” John declared while grabbing the cup from Jack and swallowing the contents. Oblivious to the taste, John noticed a container of mashed potatoes. He couldn’t remember how long the potatoes had been there.

“Alright Jerry, I dare you to eat the rest of these potatoes,” John said.

Jerry opened the container and gagged from the smell. “A dare is a dare,” he solemnly stated, beginning to shovel the bacteria-laden root vegetable into his gob.

Jim spied some guacamole dip that looked ancient enough. He was only able to get down three bites before he himself turned green and began to vomit.  John and Jerry were nauseous too, and soon were puking copiously alongside Jim. Jack, so far abstaining from the “green food,” grabbed a phone to call a cab, destination, the nearest ER. All four young men had coverage, courtesy of parental prudence and a California Health Insurance agent. Enroute to the hospital, the “boys” made a mess of the taxi’s interior, and caused quite a stink.  “You are disgusting” screamed the cabbie, but Jack tipped him an extra buck.

When Memorial Day came, Jack, John, Jerry, and Jim decided to make it really memorable. “Let’s go down to Paddy’s!” Jim suggested. This time, they just got good and drunk.