When Suzie Porcine went to the “swine flu” assembly she asked questions. Word got back to her Dad what his daughter had asked. Mr. Albert Porcine kept stressing how lucky they were to already have a family health insurance plan purchased from California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard. But he was sensitive about certain matters.

Escondido High where Suzie Porcine attended held an assembly to educate students about H1N1 influenza, also called “swine flu.” Sample bottles of Purell and surgical masks were handed to each student as they entered the auditorium. 

The Principal, Mrs. Viscera Wormwood, stood poised on the stage prepared to introduce the health official who would be discussing his “swine flu survival guide,” whatever that was. But Suzie raised her hand. “What is swine flu? I had nothing to do with it no matter what anybody says.”

“What do you mean you have nothing to do with it?” asked Mrs. Wormwood.

“Everyone says it’s my fault!” Suzie yelled back. Murmurs turned into snickers.

“Porcine means pig,” taunted Bill Roberts. He was a tenth grader with hairy arms. 

Anticipating a potential legal crisis, Mrs. Wormwood asked Suzie to leave the auditorium. After the assembly had ended, Mrs. Wormwood called the Porcine home. Mr. Albert Porcine picked up. After Mrs. Wormwood explained, Mr. Porcine squealed with indignation. “I hate this politically correct anecdotal name for H1N1 influenza,” he ranted, “Is your school asking to be sued?”  

This was the response Mrs. Wormwood had feared. “No,” the principal said. But she had no clue about how to contradict the man until … Suzie began sneezing and coughing, and phlegm started flying.

“What’s going on?” Mrs. Wormwood couldn’t help asking, “Is it Suzie?” The phlegm kept flying.  

Mr. Porcine was speechless for a moment. “Yes,” he said, “she’s sick.”

“Could it be swine flu?” Mrs. Wormwood bleated in the manner of a sheep.

“Don’t call it that!” Mr. Porcine screamed into the receiver. He hung up immediately, but once he did, he headed off with his daughter to the nearest Urgent Care. “Don’t worry princess,” he said. Suddenly California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard crossed his mind. At least we have a policy for emergencies, he figured.

“I hope I don’t have swine flu, daddy,” Suzie rasped, her throat clogged with unspent mucus.

Albert Porcine started to correct his beloved daughter, and then stopped. “Let’s hope you don’t,” he managed, on the verge of tears.

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Trevor Young came from a nice maggot-farming Mormon family just north of Pocatello. Blonde, Trevor was quite the handsome country boy, when he headed off to UCLA to study Agriculture. In his pocket was his “trick” for impressing young women, a sample from his Idaho farm. “Maybe I’ll meet somebody to marry up with,” he told his mother, a stout matronly sort. “Are you bringing your little box?” she asked sweetly. “Of course,” Trevor said, “It’s the best lure I got.” His mother nodded. “If she doesn’t like your little box, then she’s not good enough for my boy,” Trevor’s mother opined. She and her husband Hyrum had also gifted their son with health insurance coverage purchased from a California Health Insurance agent. “We won’t worry so much,” she told her ninth-born.

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Once on campus, Trevor settled in. One of his roommates noticed the little box. Left unattended on a bureau top, it was oval, smelled of chocolate on the outside, and was purple. “What’s in this Farm Boy?” the guy asked. Max Weinart was a junior majoring in International Finance from the Bronx and guessed precious jewelry, like a ring, was in it.

“It’s for a special girl,” Trevor explained, implying to Max that the contents were none of his business. Max nodded, assuming he’d guessed right.

A few weeks later at a formal soiree, Trevor met that “special” girl, Karen. Big-boned but pretty, she hailed from Jersey. She later regretted popping the question. “What kind of farming does your family do?”

“Wait, I’ll show you.” Out came the box, the one that had so intrigued the girls from north of Pocatello. Karen gasped at the contents in horror, screamed and reflexively punched, smacking Trevor in the jaw and knocking him cold.

While recovering in the UCLA Medical Center, with his jaw expertly wired, Trevor spoke through clenched teeth. “I got insurance,” he told Max, who’d come to visit.

“I heard what happened,” he said, “But why did you show that girl a box of dead maggots?”

“It was my fault,” Trevor admitted, “the live ones are so pink and beautiful.  I should have figured that when I’m home, they keep better.”

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Sam had a decent job, was engaged to be married to a beautiful girl, and watched college basketball’s annual March Madness on his newly purchased 50 inch Sharp brand flat screen as if the games were all that mattered. His favorite team was Fresno State, but he also liked Pepperdine and Gonzaga, the latter because NBA great John Stockton had once played there. In fact, he was in the kitchen, opening a can of tuna, when Pepperdine was playing Gonzaga in an exciting Elite 8 match up. It had been halftime, but now the second half was just starting. The commentary was fierce, and he was missing the game. The tuna can was stubborn and the can opener was like the television, sharp, sharper than most knives. Sam wasn’t paying enough attention. The way he held the opener, and the angle of the can, and the force he was mustering. He slipped, felt a sudden surge of pain, also sharp. Was that blood gushing out of a wound in the webbing between his index finger and his thumb? It was. The can of tuna crashed to the floor. “What a mess,” Sam said, while gritting his teeth, and he wasn’t referring only to the spilled tuna.

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He called 911. “My hand,” he whispered, “There’s blood everywhere.”

The operator got his vital information, especially address, after he repeated his situation several times. “I’ll send an ambulance,” the operator finally said.

Sam thought again. “Do I have health insurance?” he asked himself. “Am I covered?” Fighting back the pain and able to create a makeshift tourniquet out of his fiancée’s blouse that was lying around the kitchen, he managed to stop the bleeding, if only enough to make a second call, to Matt Lockard, a friendly California health insurance agent he’d once considered purchasing a policy from. Sam and Matt went way back. His parents were long-time Lockard customers. “Hi Matt. This is Sam Rollins. Remember me?”

“Yeah.”

“An ambulance is coming for me. I cut my hand real bad. Do I have insurance? Am I covered?”

Matt unfortunately knew the answer. “You considered purchasing a policy Sam.”

“So I’m not covered?”

“Nope.”

“So this ambulance and the emergency room visit is really going to cost me?”

“Yup.”

“It’s going to cost me an arm and a leg?”

“At least a hand, financially speaking; emergency room care isn’t cheap.”

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Thirteen relatively pretty girls traveled down for spring break on February 2nd from their familiar territory on the beautiful if frigid campus of the University of Alaska at Fairbanks, completing the first leg of their economical journey by dogsled. From Spokane where each said mournful goodbyes to their sled dogs, “Bye Blitzen, Bye Rudolf, Bye Lassie,” the emptied sled pulled by the canine trio trudged back valiantly through the Canadian wilderness, while the baker’s dozen of vacationing Alaskan girls boarded a 747 to LAX. Once they had deplaned, the delicate skin of the relatively pretty girls began to redden. “We’re way too pale,” said Irwoota, in her pronounced valley girl accent, albeit an Arctic Circle valley, voicing the first warning. By the time they’d all stripped down to their bikinis on the gray-sand beach in Santa Monica, and had soaked up about fifteen seconds worth of brilliant California sunshine, the astute Ig voiced a remark that included them all. “I’m really starting to blister now,” she cried mournfully through sun-cracked lips. Back in Fairbanks, they got two hours of very dim diurnal sunshine this time of year, if that.  A few minutes later, the chastened group of relatively pretty Alaskans had acquired a hue bordering on crustacean. Collectively thumbing through a local Yellow Book, the baked baker’s dozen had decided to head en masse for the nearest hospital emergency room, when Irwoota suddenly considered the huge bills they’d be bestowing upon their parents back home. “Wait,” said the so sunburned Valley Girl, “let me call a California Health Insurance Agent I know who used to live in Fairbanks. He’ll know what to do.” He did. Instead of the nearest emergency room, the sunburned girls were re-directed to an urgent care facility as a cost savings measure.

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A week later, they were able to leave their darkened motel suite, the drapes closed the entire time, in relative comfort. Luckily they met gray skies and a pleasant cold rain upon their return to LAX.

Matts Health Insurance is an extremely versatile firm for Californians in the market for just about any kind of coverage.

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California Health Insurance

Our services begin with California health insurance plans for individuals and families. A free and accurate instant quote awaits you at MattsInsurance4CA.com. We offer Medicare Supplement Insurance plans to fill in those tricky “medigaps.” Instant quotes are also available for term life insurance, so that your loved ones can be provided for when the time comes. Dental insurance plans can be quite complicated, but we offer dental plans which can be tailored to healthier smiles. Access to reliable health care via child health insurance is a necessary part of any child’s development. But without a reliable plan for your child or children, young people can needlessly be placed at risk. Quotes for child plans are also available instantly on our convenient website. How about medical insurance protecting you or your loved ones when you’re traveling? Matts offers travel medical insurance to citizens of any nationality worldwide. We provide individual or group travel medical insurance for:

• Individual coverage for a vacation
• Your employees in locations around the world
• Long and Short Term coverage for mission organizations and missionaries
• Exchange student health insurance

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Last but far from least, is our health insurance Anthem Blue Cross for Californians, one of our most popular choices. Our service and expertise provides our Anthem customers with a distinct advantage.

Whether you need an individual or family plan, a child-only plan, or a senior plan, Matts Health Insurance Services has a health plan that’s right for you. Matts options include affordable monthly premiums, discounts on medical care, and your choice of doctors.

To learn more please visit: http://www.mattsinsurance4ca.com

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Mattsinsurance4ca.com is a licensed health insurance agent in California. They provide instant online quote for health insurance, Medicare Supplements, travel health insurance, and child only health insurance.

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